Happy happy happy carnival!
The good times will indeed roll, but first: come in and sit down.
At today's meeting we're going to talk about cake, and I'm going to share my most prized family recipe, which is utterly thrilling, but I need to know y'all are going to take this seriously before we get started. I don't want to come down so heavy, but I've lived too many weary winters of flagrant king cake sacrilege.
King cake is a very special, very sacred, very specific food. While I am sure you can make all kinds of delicious oval-shaped treats, you can't just do whatever you want and still call it king cake. Fillings? Candy sprinkles? Savory?! Again: king cake is not the only delicious thing, but only one delicious thing is king cake.
Let's go to the next slide.
Now, this is hopefully just review, but you make never make a "king cake" out of proper season. No "Halloween king cakes" slathered in black and orange or "Valentine's king cakes" dripping in pink and red—it cries to Heaven.
And we're not doing that thing where you sculpt a roll of cinnamon rolls into an oval and call it a day. You were not made for comfort; you were made for greatness.
So while king cake season indeed marks the most wonderful time of the year, like all precious realities, it comes with three very simple rules:
King cake production and consumption is permitted beginning on January 6 through midnight on Mardi Gras day. (You may bake a king cake on the evening on January 5 so you can have king cake for breakfast on January 6—see photo below—but only after sunset, the liturgical demarcation of a vigil.)
You must store it in a box on the counter and leave the knife in the box until the king cake disappears sliver by sliver.
The baby gets tucked deep inside the cake, not attached to the box in a little bag with a choke hazard warning. Insurance and liability are not relevant during Mardi Gras; tradition is.
Let's conclude our meeting with a call to action.
If you understand these policies and are ready to commit to them, you may continue to our recipe for authentic New Orleans king cake. This recipe comes from my incredibly talented Dad, who created this recipe from scratch. It produces the platonic ideal of king cake: not too moist or sticky, not too dry or crumbly, NO FILLING, no weird crazy stuff tucked into the dough, a properly textured and flavored icing with properly colored sugars (get out of here with those nonpareils and cream cheese).
After years of stuffing ourselves silly with his perfect king cake (especially during a short carnival season), we finally got him to calculate and write down the recipe so we could bake even more. This recipe represents my prized inheritance. I welcome you to the sacred trust.
Authentic New Orleans King Cake
Serves 1-12, depending upon how fast you can slice and eat it; I recommend doubling the recipe and baking at least two at a time
Cake
1 c whole milk
1 stick (1/2 cup) butter
4 c all-purpose flour
2 eggs
1/2 c sugar
1 tsp salt
2 1/2 tsp yeast
Fine white sugar and cinnamon for sprinkling
In a glass bowl, melt butter into the milk in the microwave in 30-second increments, being careful to make it warm but not hot so you won't kill your yeast or cause eggs to cook.
In a separate large bowl, mix sugar, salt, yeast, flour (all dry ingredients).
Whisk the eggs and vanilla into the milk/ butter mixture (all liquid ingredients).
Add the whisked liquid mixture to he dry mixture and mix to form a dough. Incorporate all the dry mixture into the dough, adding pinches of flour a little at a time if it's too wet. The final dough should be soft and tacky but not sticky.
Cover the dough in the bowl with plastic to keep it from drying. Proof for two hours in a warm place (I usually heat the oven to 110 degrees, then turn it off and place the covered bowl inside to proof).
After proofing, roll the dough out into a long, narrow rectangle.
Sprinkle the rolled out dough with a light layer of fine white sugar and then a layer of cinnamon.
Roll up the rectangle of dough into a tight roll, then twist it a few times, and shape into an oval. Pinch the ends together. (We use a French style rolling pin without handles like this one—I think it gives finer control over rolling.)
Place the shaped dough onto a baking sheet lined with foil and cover with plastic to keep it from drying. Proof in a warm place as above for another 40-45 minutes. Adjust as necessary so the dough doesn't become overly puffy or it will collapse in the oven.
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees, then bake the cake for 25-30 minutes. Watch the color to determine when the cake is done—it should be light golden brown.
Let cool, then ice.
Icing
About 3 c powdered sugar
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 tsp orange extract
1/4 tsp salt
Water or cream
Mix ingredients, adding liquid just a few drops at a time until you achieve a medium, honey-like consistency.
Drizzle icing over the cooled cake with a spoon. I like to drizzle it in a generous zig-zag pattern.
Sprinkle with colored sugar in segments alternating purple, green, and gold. (We actually keep three shakers like these ((one each of purple, green, and gold sugar)) on our counter throughout carnival.) You can create colored sugar by mixing 1-3 drops of food coloring into plain white sugar.
Finally, add a very thin drizzle over the colored sugar in pretty loops.
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